October 2005 Archives

I’ve been feeling a bit neglected by some of my friends lately. Nothing serious, as I know they are all as busy as I am, if not more. They have no more time to ring my phone off the hook than I do theirs. But one friend in particular had ignored a couple of emails I sent her, and I thought maybe she was mad at me for some reason. Or that she had gotten tired of me and my infertility, as one of the emails I sent her had been about that. Well, she can’t be as tired of it as I am, I thought.

Anyway, to get to the point, I called her this week because her son just turned two. And it turns out that she’s been having a really hard time of it lately, and needed to hear from her friends just as much as I do. We talked for a while, and then talked again some more yesterday, and I think she is feeling better. I know I am. And I’m going to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and imagining what other people are thinking, particularly people who I know love me.

Amy asked for my silliest college mishap, and it was hard to pick just one. This is just the first story of many, I’m sure, because I loved college. I went to an awesome school…I had the best friends I could imagine…and an amazing time all around. It wasn’t all perfect – I had some serious struggles with depression and I had ridiculous self confidence problems. But I learned a lot and had a lot of fun and have many a story to tell.

There are a number of candidates for silliest mishap. Ariane, Emily, Julie and I once spent a Friday evening killing off a bottle & a half of tequila and got into a magic marker fight. It all made so much sense at the time, but try explaining that one to other people after the fact. And yes, people could tell. Then there was the time that Jules, Emily and I spent an entire day studying for our Egyptian Art final, quizzing each other in odd, Monty Pythonesque voices, only to discover that we couldn’t stop talking that way. No one else wanted to have anything to do with us that night. Or the time Ariane and I rolled two enormous joints with a cigarette roller and got so high we couldn’t move. She passed out on the futon, and I lay on the bed thinking, “If I move, I’ll die” for hours. Or what felt like hours anyway. In case you don’t know (not everyone was a delinquent like me!) joints are usually way skinnier than cigarettes…for a reason.

The more I think about it, the more stories I come up with. But the silliest story of all was probably the time Lucie and I stole a cow.

Zoot had her baby today! I’m so excited and happy for her. She’s the first person I ever really talked to about my infertility, after one of her TTC posts, and now she has a little baby girl. Even though we had completely different problems, it gives me hope to see her succeed.

Welcome to the world, NikkiZ!

This has not been the most action-packed blog of late. I’m sorry for that. I’ve been feeling distracted…and somewhat cocoonish, I guess is the best description. And busy with work, of course, as always. Plus uncreative and, well, boring.

Speaking of boring, there is nothing more boring than spending a day like the one I just had. The majority of my day was spent writing about options trading for beginners and watching a video about options trading. But not so simple as just watching and then being done with the video. Oh no, I was looking for clips I can use for a specific purpose so I got to watch and rewind and watch and rewind. Was that at 01:11:45 or 01:11: 42? And tomorrow? More of the same. Whoop-ti-do!

But back to the lack creativity ‘round these parts lately. While I haven’t been writing as much here, my brain has still been working. And yep, it turns out I’ve still got plenty to say. Starting tomorrow, I plan to launch my version of Bad Penguin: Behind the Music, holding forth on a number of topics that have been floating around in my head lately. So if there’s any behind the scenes info you’ve ever wanted to know about me, now’s the time to ask.

I come from a long line of extremely anxious people. I have family members who are so anxiety-ridden that it is a miracle they can even leave the house. I try very hard not to be like them – all “whatever” and “that’s cool” – and most of the time I can pull it off. But in reality, I am not as laid back as I think I am. I’m just a champion represser. And it all comes back to haunt me sometimes when I try to sleep. Last night I spent a good two or three hours lying in bed obsessing about all of the things that could go wrong in my life.

It’s not anything new. I’ve had trouble sleeping off and on my whole life. I just can’t get my brain to shut off sometimes. In sorting through stuff after the move I came across my high school diary, which reminded me of just how long this has been going on.

In between long, rambling discussions about sex or not having sex, who to go to the prom with my junior year (as it turned out, no one, which was a bitter disappointment at the time, until I went to the prom my senior year and realized how lame it was. I did, however, have an awesome time at the after prom party my junior year. My friend Kim Davis and I got loaded at some fancy house in Georgetown and sang American Pie together, to the delight of the neighbors, I’m sure. I wonder whatever happened to her) adventures with my friends (Nancy Ellington suddenly decided she hated me, although we eventually made up – I even attended her coming out ball…Laurie Goldfarb, who would later introduce me to John, first introduced me to the old 9:30 Club and many a fine band…Mary Pat got a Mustang convertible for her 16th birthday…Laura Howard’s parents got divorced and told her right before the SATs…two of my girl friends got drunk and made out…Laila and I got fake IDs and discovered the joys of clubbing…and so on) and many a complaint about my parents is entry after entry that starts or ends with “I hope I can sleep tonight” or “couldn’t sleep last night.”

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I sure hope I can sleep tonight.

Friday I observed the first-annual “benefits notified me I was no longer accruing vacation time” holiday. While this is a holiday I don’t plan to repeat – I’ve already scheduled a bunch of days off through the end of the year – it was a most enjoyable day. John and I rented a van and picked up our new coffee table at the warehouse and then went down to get a dresser and a desk he had stored his mom’s house.

I’m typing this on my laptop at our fabulous new coffee table right now as a matter of fact, with Seamus curled up next to me on the couch. It’s a very comfy way to spend an evening.

On Saturday I finally got my act together and went to join a gym so I can start taking yoga classes again. I was planning to go to my first class today, but then John pointed out that I might be trying to do a little too much since his sister and her husband and their two kids were coming over for brunch. And he was right, as I spent most of the morning running around cleaning and straightening. I don’t understand how this house gets so dusty. Yet another thing I have to learn to do -- realize when I'm trying to cram in too much.

The brunch was a smashing success. I made Belgian waffles with a toppings bar, and it was delicious, which was good, as I was worried the whole brunch was going to be disaster. First of all, John and his sister have managed to not fight for her entire visit, so they were due. And then when I got the obligatory “we’re running late” phone call from the car, it sounded like they were fighting. But it must have all gotten sorted out by the time they got here, and even better, John and Anna did not fight, my nephew was cute and my niece was smiley and sweet.

I hope you all had a nice weekend too. Now back to the grind.

Last week I got a speeding ticket. I'm not whining -- I was speeding and I got nailed. Am I a little bitter about the way the radar detector lit up like a Christmas tree exactly when they zapped me instead of just before they zapped me so I could, oh I don't know, slow down or something? Well, yes, seeing as how that is the whole reason the radar detector even exists. But I also know that the state troopers lurk in that area (right after the road goes from two lanes to three, and the speed limit drops from 65 mph to 55 mph, and at the bottom of a hill) so I should have been going slower. So for that I am a dumbass.

However, I would like to the put the speeding ticket karma gods on notice. I am trying to slow down. I really am. I'm just not very good at it. It is hard! And on days like today, when all the federal employees were at home and not clogging up the roads, can I really be expected to drive the speed limit? I think not.

The last three days have been lovely. Exactly what I needed, even if it was cold and rainy most of the time. The kind of windy rain that makes umbrellas useless and leaves your pants soaked below the knee, which mostly made me want to stay inside. And also made me want to buy two more new tires after a couple of scary no-traction incidents while driving in the rain. So I got new tires. I read a book. John and I saw A History of Violence, which was good. You never know with David Cronenberg, but I liked this one. Of course, I like Viggo Mortensen. He has such an expressive face.

It was so nice to have time to sleep in, to relax, to take care of errands and stuff around the house. The house is really coming together and just being here makes me happy. I’m definitely a fan of the new leaf. Hopefully I can stick with it long enough for the changes to become my new routine. Less working late, more time at home, more healthy habits, more time for a life outside work and more fun! Now, time to get ready for Monday.

Well, trying to anyway. I still haven’t hired a new marketing manager, but with my boss back, I’m trying to start changing my habits. For example, on Monday, instead of staying late to finish my spreadsheet, I brought it home with me. I didn’t work on it at all, but I got home earlier than usual. I had to rush to get it done by 10 am on Tuesday, but I pulled it off. So perhaps it takes little time for the whole new leaf thing to really start working.

My 2nd attempt is coming up – I’m taking Friday off. I’ve been exhausted, uncreative and unfocused all week and I think I need a day to recharge before my next big project gets busy next week. Of course, that means I have five, yes, five, pieces of copy to write tomorrow since I won’t be in on Friday, but in the end I think it will be worth it. I shall sleep in and laze about, dispensing belly rubs for Mr. Seamus and maybe reading a book. I will not clean anything. Maybe I will go check out the gym I’ve been meaning to join so I can take yoga classes again. If the weather is nice, John and I can take Seamus to the park for a hike. It’ll be great! I’ll get the hang of this new leaf deal yet.

My boss is back from her honeymoon! We’re picking a new hire from the candidates we have by the end of the week! And the massive project that I was working on for the last two weeks is mostly over. Not completely, but Thursday was the big day. And while we hit a couple of technical snags – that were 100% out of my control – apparently my grace under pressure made a good impression. On top of all of the hard work I put in to make the project a success. Of course, little do they know that while I was all cool and damage control and springing in to action on the outside, in my head, I was mostly yelling “fuck, fuck, fuck!”

But anyway, as I wrap up big project #1, and segue in big project #2, I’ll be around the ol’ blog a lot more. I’ve had a couple of days to get some sleep, relax, get started on the pile of People, US Weeklies, and InStyles that my coworkers passed along to me and hang out with John and Seamus. Oh, and I bought a cool old-timey globe at Target.

Events that I would have discussed if I had time:
1. Why is anyone surprised/does anyone care that Kate Moss did some coke with her rock star boyfriend? I don’t know why that is news. And I don’t think much of all of those companies dropping her over this. Not that Burberry or Chanel are going to notice the sudden lack of my patronage.

2. The dinner with my in-laws went very well. John and his sister did not get in a fight, everyone seemed to enjoy the food, my nephew is delightful and my niece is adorable. And no one tried to open the messy linen closet.

3. Never assume that vegetarians eat fish. For the love of God, please stop assuming that! The next person who says “can’t you just eat the tuna?” to me runs a serious risk of getting punched in the face. Ok, not really. I’ve never punched anyone in the face, and I don’t intend to start now. But it is frustrating.

4. The level of dissatisfaction that I feel due to the fact that so many of my friends are so far away.

5. How great John has been while I’ve had all of this craziness at work.

Momentous decisions made by me:

1. I’m taking a break from fertility treatments for a little while. The other night I found myself crying as I walked Seamus, practically sobbing at the thought of starting the next cycle. And yet I still fretted about giving myself a break for about five days before bringing it up with John. What’s wrong with me, I wondered. If I want a baby so badly (and I do) why do I struggle with the fertility treatments so much? If I take a month off, and that is the month that it would finally happen, will I never get pregnant? And so on. Luckily for me, John does not think I am crazy. He agrees with all of my reasons for taking a break. It is so stressful for both of us, and I feel about 100 times better now that we’ve made the decision. Maybe even 200 times better. The treatments are hard on my body, and they seem to be making things worse in some ways. I need to do the things I can do to make my fertility better before I go through all of that again. So, I’m going to lose some weight. And take vitamins. As is John. I’m going to work on reducing my anxiety and stress – get back to doing yoga regularly and actually make some of the changes that I said I would make at work. And we’ll see how I feel in a month or two, or even three.

2. I finally picked a coffee table. Soon our living room will be complete! And it was really cheap, too.

3. There is no three…aren’t one and two momentous enough?