Last week, my job and my infertility chose Friday to join forces to make my life difficult. Friday night I was feeling so sorry for myself that I actually almost started crying. I was driving home at 10:00 o’clock that night, and it felt like they had combined to suck the life out of me. I was so tired all I could do was crawl home, eat a bowl of noodles and sit on the couch staring blankly at the documentary John was watching on the history channel.
Work is work, and of course I can’t talk about it, but I will say that Friday was a trying day, work-wise. And, then on the fertility front, things just got confusing. When I called my old doctor about getting my records, she said she’d be willing to work with my insurance company so that I didn’t have to pay out of network costs. If I could get them to confirm in writing that I wouldn’t incur any additional costs, I would consider sticking with her. But I don’t know. I think there are benefits to staying with her – she’s an excellent doctor and I get very personal attention from her. And I was a little turned off by the whole “we have a process” vibe from the clinic. But the clinic has more resources, and a very successful reputation, offices close to my work and my house, and I liked the doctor I met there, too.
Right in the middle of all of this, my financial coordinator from the new clinic called and said that she had gotten me approved for diagnostics, but that my insurance doesn’t cover IUI. And if they don’t cover IUI I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. I’m not sure I’m ready to do IVF. For that matter, my insurance will cover IVF, but I don’t know what requirements I have to meet before they will approve it. And if I do go with IVF, am I better off with a big clinic?
Anyway, I had a lot on my mind, and a tough, 12-hour work day. On top of that, I had a mini-bout of insomnia last week. Not the terrible up until 4 a. m. kind, but I was about two hours short every single night, so by Friday I was exhausted. Being tired always makes me weepy.
But now, after two days of rest and relaxation, I’m starting to regain my equilibrium. Work will sort itself out, eventually, so I’ll try not to worry about that situation. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I don’t have the money to pay for an IUI right now, so I don’t really have to make a decision there right away. I will work on getting more detail from the insurance company and the doctors so I can make a good choice.
But more than anything, I’m trying to keep the fact that I have a good life fixed firmly in my mind. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have a sweet little dog, a healthy family, and amazing friends. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or fear for my safety. John and I own our home, something which seemed impossible just two years ago. I’ve got a good job, which I even enjoy most of the time. I need to focus on appreciating what I’ve got now, and be positive. And maybe, just maybe, that which seems impossible now, will become possible.