Pushing reset

Back when I was in college, I met a friend of a friend who was from Guam or American Samoa, I think. He was very into fitness, and just had a different perspective on many aspects of life, having been raised outside the American mainstream. He didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, he didn’t eat junk food or consume caffeine. I remember asking him, so what do you do at 2 am when you have five more pages to write on your paper? Because that was when I did my best work, hunkered down in front of my crappy word processor, clutching a Coke in one hand, shoving aside the wrappers for Cheddar & Sour Cream potato chips and Twix bars to flip through reference books and notes and typing with the other hand while a Marlboro Red smoldered in the ash tray. To this day, I’m sure it would feel weird to sit down to write a school paper without my old stand-bys.

But I would have to, since I quit smoking years ago, and all of the rest of that stuff is strictly on the forbidden list for me now. Or at the very least, strictly on the only three or four times per year list. And it is a bit of struggle to get used to a new way of living. On Thursday I was fighting with some copy at work that needed to be energetic and urgent feeling, which is especially tricky when you are the polar opposite of energetic. I just can’t seem to get my body clock to switch so that I can go to sleep at my usual time, which means I’m exhausted in the mornings. I keep hoping I’ll just get worn out enough that I’ll be able to sleep, but so far, no such luck. Now, normally, when I’m feeling low energy I’d just go get a Coke, but now I can’t do that. I’m trying so hard to make good new choices – exercising regularly instead of haphazardly, really changing both the type and quantity of food that I eat, committing to a whole new lifestyle – but part of me is very worried that it just won’t work. That I won’t lose weight or get fit, that I won’t be able to control my cholesterol or blood sugar, that I’ll be tired and have sore muscles for the rest of my life (or until I give up). And worst of all, I worry that I’ll just never be able to come up with that burst of creative energy without the jolt of caffeine or sugar or whatever it was that helped me get going. That copy I wrote last week was most definitely not my best, and yet I couldn’t find a way to make it any better.

Most likely I’ll go back at it tomorrow or Tuesday, and maybe I’ll finally get it right. I have a whole other piece I need to write, which luckily doesn’t have to be written in quite the same strong voice as the two pieces from last week, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed about that one going more smoothly. And outside of work, I’ll keep plugging away here, as well as on a few other creative project ideas I’ve had recently. I hope that if I keep trying things, sooner or later I’ll get my old groove back. Or find a new one.