May 2006 Archives

My new diet and exercise plan seems to be having an effect. Every day for the last few days at work, someone has mentioned my weight loss. I guess people can tell! Some people say my face is getting thinner. Other people notice that my clothes are getting too big. I actually had to buy a belt at Target this weekend, and I may even have to retire a couple of my pairs of pants. I won’t be sorry to say goodbye to my hated fat girl pants. It does put me in sort of an odd position clotheswise, as I skipped a size on the way up. I was in denial, I think, wearing old stretched-out bag lady pants until I could wear them no more, and was forced to jump up two sizes (or go up one size but buy material labeled “stretch.”) Oh, stretch, how you fed my delusions of not having put on that much weight. Much to my joy, those pants are all getting to the point where they are too big to look professional. Woo – and may I add – hoo! However, I’m not all the way back to the next level down in my wardrobe yet, and I’m not going to buy any new clothes until I reach my final weight destination.

I’ll take that problem though, with glee. Just as I’ll happily take all of the comments at work. I think some people are a little worried they are going to offend me, but every single time someone notices, it makes it that much easier to go back to my office and eat baby carrots and sugar snap peas instead of the cake they’re serving at the wedding shower…to drag myself downstairs at night to do an exercise video…or to the gym for a class or a spin on the elliptical machine or the treadmill.

And yes, of course I have all sorts of health reasons to stick with this. It is very important for me to get my blood sugar under control and keep it under control, not just for fertility reasons (although, please, let this be the solution to my fertility problems. Pretty please.) but for my long term health as well. I don’t want to have diabetes, but the fact is, I do. Even if I get down to my absolute perfect weight, I’m still going to have to be careful about portion size, and carbs, and sugar and regular exercise for the rest of my life. Way more careful than the average bear. So as I navigate the tricky waters of coming to terms with what exactly having diabetes means, I’ll take all of the positive reinforcement I can get. And then maybe do a happy little dance in my office.

I’m pleased to say that the whole gardening experiment has turned out to be very successful so far. All of my plants except one have taken root and are spreading out and thriving and looking colorful and pretty. We ordered a bench to put in the back yard, and it looks great already, tucked up against the fence with hanging baskets of flowers on either side. Next weekend I’m going to try my hand at filling the planters we bought to go next to the bench. Plus we have to get something to put in the bear planter the former owners left behind. I know a bear planter sounds lame, but it is actually kind of cute. I’ll put up a photo once it is fulfilling its planter destiny.

I spent a bunch of time in the garden today because a) weeds, fucking weeds and b) the shrubbery needed trimming. The tricky part about the weeding is that I don’t always know what is a weed and what is a plant that I want to keep. I was mostly ok in the back yard, particularly in my converted sandbox, because I picked out all of those plants myself. But in the front? Aside from the obvious (dandelions and grass out of place) I pretty much just decided what had to go based on whether or not I liked the look of the leaves.

I also discovered that trimming hedges is way more work than I thought it would be. It is amazing how much time you can spend hacking away at a bush, only to have it look like you haven’t done anything. In the end, I won the battle of the hedges, but wow, are my hands and wrists sore. I think I discovered muscles in my wrists that I’ve never used before. But, totally worth it. I'm really enjoying figuring all of this stuff out.

Four years ago today, I stood in a beautiful garden at dusk, surrounded by the people I hold dear, and married the love of my life. I’ll repeat the vow I said that night to you all today. I still mean every single word, as much as I did then and many times more over.

People keep asking me if I’m nervous, and my answer is always the same – no. I’m not nervous. I’m thrilled. How can I be nervous when I’m marrying my best friend? You’re the first person I want to share good news with, and the only person I want to run to when something bad happens. Every day you challenge me to look at the world in a new way – and I love doing the same for you. I can’t wait to see what this next phase of our life together brings. I love you so much.

Happy anniversary, John. I knew I loved you with my whole heart, but I had no idea how wonderful our marriage would truly be. I didn’t know being married would get better and better with each passing day. I didn’t know I’d be able to love you even more now than I did then. But I do. Here’s to our happy ending.

There I was, celebrating two years of blogging to not all that much in the way of acclaim, when suddenly out of nowhere, hundreds of comments started pouring in. And all saying such complimentary things, too.

Too bad they were all spam.

And I have to say, I just don’t get it. I work in e-business. I know what the metrics are, and there is no way that spam comments, no matter how many of them are scattered throughout my archives, are going to make anyone any money. I love, love, love the people who come and read this blog every day, but let’s face it, you are a very select group. A good looking bunch, too, with excellent taste who would never be interested in whatever crap these people were selling.

So all they’ve really managed to do is upset me (it particularly bothered me to see them on the post about my friend Leo’s suicide, even though I know it is just some stupid spam bot and not a person) and inconvenience me, and probably frustrate the people at my hosting company who had to deal with my confused emails and pleas to be unsuspended.

The biggest irony? Before I discovered this little problem I was working on a post about how my faith in humanity had been restored by, of all people, my former nemeses at the Geek Squad and the clerk I had a run-in with at Borders, (both! In one night!) only to have it dashed when I came home to an incomprehensible warning from my homeowner’s association. I guess the spammers wanted to get in on that action.

Jerks.

I’ve been extra busy lately, and also feeling kind of quiet. Seriously, you pack a trip to North Carolina, commuting, working, errand running, exercise, a multitude of TV sweeps episodes and series and season finales and grappling with a life altering medical diagnosis in to one week and let me know how creative and energetic you feel. Plus, my laptop (oh, how I miss you, beloved laptop) is still off at Toshiba getting fixed, so I have to thumb-wrestle John for the control of our remaining computer. And this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but sometimes, I lose at thumb wrestling.

But mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, which means you’ve been spared a lot of self indulgent whining about how I don’t want to have diabetes, and I don’t like this and I hate pricking my finger to check my blood sugar, and I don’t have good control over my blood sugar and blah, blah, blah, oh-poor-me fucking blah. I’m working on accepting what is and moving on, really I am. I’m just not quite there yet. I am making progress on the acceptance and the control fronts though. I started on Metformin on Friday, and that, plus exercise plus restricting carbs (beans are fine, sandwich rolls not so much, and pasta is somewhere in the middle) seems to be having a positive effect. Of course a) I’m already a vegetarian, and if I keep having to give up foods, I’m going to be left eating nothing but almonds, zucchini and chick peas for the rest of my life and b) I love carbs. After cheese, I think bread, potatoes and pasta are my favorite things. So, wah.

You kind of wish I had just stayed quiet, don’t you?

Anyway, I realized this weekend marks the two year anniversary of when I started my first blog, and I couldn’t let that pass without comment. I can’t believe it has been two years already. And yet I also can’t imagine starting my day without checking in on my friends on my blogroll, exchanging comments, poking around and discovering new and interesting people, and participating in this whole new world I didn’t even know existed three years ago. It’s been a great experience so far, and for so many more reasons than I thought it would. The best part, of course, has been all of the people I’ve met. People of the Internet – you are very cool. Thank you for being a part of my life.

I was just exhausted this morning -- and I mean zombie falling asleep while I was brushing my teeth tired -- so even though I had already overslept and was running late, I decided to stop at Starbucks for some much needed caffeine. Which I rarely do, since I don't like coffee. But I do like chai, and I have a couple of Starbucks gift certificates and I really, really wanted to wake up.

So I got to Starbucks, and I had to wait in line, and then I had to wait for the slowest barista I have ever seen take forever to make the drinks, wasting 10 minutes I did not have to spare.

Only to get out to the car and have the cup sort of implode? disintegrate? completely fall apart, and spill all over the car door as I was getting in. So I got to waste time, not get my drink and now I have a sticky car door. And I'm still soooo tired. I fucking hate mornings.

Just extremely busy. When last I wrote, I had conducted my big weigh-in and discovered that I had lost 15 pounds. That was my good news. The next day, I had my consult with the endocrinologist, who said pretty definitively that I have diabetes. I had been holding out some small hope that I would go in there and they would tell me it was all a mistake (I do believe that is called dee-ni-al) but in the end I wasn’t as freaked out as I thought I would be. I guess the long wait to get in to see the doctor gave me some time to adjust to the idea. Glad to know there was some upside to the ridiculous delay, although in the interests of full disclosure, I have to admit I wasn’t as calm and collected about it as I would have liked. Just ask John about the tantrum I threw on Monday night as I tried – and initially failed – to load songs on to the iPod my mom bought my brother. And the first time I tested my blood sugar with my fancy new glucose meter, I sat on the bed crying because it hurt to prick my finger and I couldn’t get enough blood to come out to get a reading. I’m finally getting the hang of that. Luckily, I only have to do it twice a day.

The good news is that just by losing some weight and making changes to my diet, I’ve already lowered my blood sugar fairly significantly. The doctor said that if I didn’t want to get pregnant, she’d say I was fine without medication. Since I do want to get pregnant, she wants me to talk to my RE about going on metformin. Which has come up before, so I’ve already called him and the two doctors are supposed to discuss. I really think I should lose some more weight before I go back to trying to conceive though, so it is kind of academic at this point. It was a little odd, because the diabetes doctor kept talking about me getting pregnant as if it was just going to happen, and there I was, all skeptical, like “we can talk about me seeing a high-risk OB when and if I ever actually get pregnant.” At this rate, Britney Spears will be on her third kid before I even get one. But no, I should be more optimistic than that, right?

And then I was off to Asheville to attend my brother’s college graduation. Watch out world, because he’s going to take you by storm. I had been ever so slightly dreading this trip, as it involved a 460 mile drive to North Carolina and a 460 mile drove back to Maryland with just me and my mom in the car. And we would be sharing a hotel room. And John and Seamus weren't coming and I knew I would miss them -- which I did, quite a bit. And my parents hate each other and were likely to be childish. Well, actually, I was worried that my mom would be childish and inappropriate and my dad would be crazy and inappropriate, but it all went pretty well. My mom and I sprang for a mini-suite with two rooms, which may be some of the best extra money I have ever spent. Being able to have my own space to sleep in at night made all the difference in the world. There were times when we got on each other’s nerves (I’ll just refer you back to the rule my mom repeatedly violated during our last visit to Asheville) and I wasn’t thrilled with her insistence that we keep the suite at a cozy (stuffy) 78 to 80 degrees all weekend, but at least I didn’t have to listen to her snoring. And she was great about my diabetes news. You never know exactly which way my mom is going to go, but this time, she was very supportive and helpful.

And now I’m back (as I wrote this, the lyrics to Back in Black started playing in my head Does that happen to anyone else?) So, hi. I’m not dead.

The last few days have been full of contradictions. On Thursday night I attended the worst yoga class ever. The regular teacher got sick at the last minute, and the replacement teacher was just awful. A large portion of the class, including Amy and me, got up and left early. It was supposed to be a flow yoga class, where you move from pose to pose quickly. Instead she had us holding poses for far longer than I’ve ever had to hold them in any yoga class, while she lounged on her mat studying her fingernails. It was truly terrible. But then on Saturday I went to a yoga class at the gym up here and had one of those great classes where everything came together perfectly. I walked out of there feeling loose and limber and ready to take on the world.

Friday brought more of the same, all wrapped up in one day. Laila was in town ever so briefly and we were trying to get together for dinner, but obstacles kept cropping up. First one problem, and then another and another and then yet another which made my day kind of stressful. One long boring story (which I’ll spare you) later (you’re welcome) I ended up having a lovely dinner with Jules and Michael and Laila and her new/old boyfriend John, but alas, not my John. Laila’s John was her boyfriend high school, and again for a while in college, and he has come back into her life recently. He seems to be making her very happy, which makes me happy. It was fun to see him after all this time, although the restaurant was so loud we had a hard time having any real conversation. We were tucked into a corner, which I thought would be good, but it didn’t really help with the noise level. The food was delicious – I had an amazing panzanella salad and fresh whole wheat pasta with asparagus, squash and carrots in an arugula pesto sauce – but the service was agonizingly slow. See? Up and down

And then there’s Best Buy. John and I have been talking about getting a video camera forever, and I finally decided to take part of our income tax refund and just buy one. So, we are now the proud owners of a little Sony mini-DVD handycam. The world should get ready for lots of little movies of Seamus doing things I think are particularly cute. That purchase went smoothly. The Best Buy people were uncharacteristically knowledgeable and helpful and so far I am excited and delighted with my video camera. And then we come to my laptop. I love my laptop. With the exception of being resistant to getting networked with my desktop, it has done everything I wanted it to. Until the CD/DVD player popped out the other day. Not the whole thing, because that I could probably fix on my own. Just the part that slides out so you can put the CD or DVD in and use it. You tap it to open it, and this time, it opened and just kept on going. Now I bought the extended warranty on the laptop figuring I’d fall down the stairs while carrying it or something, so I knew I could get it fixed for free. But what I didn’t know is that they don’t fix it at Best Buy. No, they are shipping it back to Toshiba, and it will take three to four WEEKS to get it fixed and returned.

The biggest up by far was having my big weigh-in today and discovering that I have lost 15 pounds! Yay! I've still got a long way to go, but it is nice to see some progress. I'm a little worried about what the downside could be, but I've decided to hope there isn't one.

I’m watching ER right now – yes, I’m one of the few people who still watches, I’ll admit it – and the episode is all about Darfur. I know it is a fictional TV show, but this time it is about something very real. In fact, I would guess that the reality is worse than what they’re showing on ER. Life has been relentlessly unkind to the people living in Darfur for quite some time now. Since 2003, more than 400,000 people have been killed in the Sudan, 2.5 million have been displaced, and 3.5 million people are already hungry and facing the very real possibility of famine. The civilians are mistreated by the government and the Janjaweed militias. Women and children face an almost constant threat of rape and beatings.

It certainly puts my petty concerns in perspective. I doubt the people of Darfur have time to waste being insecure. And if a woman there is infertile, she may well consider it a blessing. Even if she doesn’t, she certainly doesn’t have the options that are available to me as an American. So instead of whining and worrying and feeling sorry for myself, I think I’ll take some time to be grateful for what I’ve got. And work on doing something positive.

Here are some links where you can learn more about what is going on in Darfur, and what Americans can do to help:

Save Darfur Coalition
Human Rights First
Doctors Without Borders
Unicef

I’ve been debating whether or not to write about this at all, because naked insecurity and self-pity aren’t exactly pretty. But then I went down the hall this afternoon to say goodbye to Amy and wish her good luck. She asked me how I’m feeling, and I just about burst into tears right in her office. Which would not have been cool. I think she could tell, too, what with me not having any sort of poker face at all. So, thanks, Amy, for not panicking in the face of me looking like I was on the verge of a breakdown. Really, I’m not.

But here’s the thing. As much as I have enjoyed watching a group of bloggers I read and like all get pregnant, have babies and discover and write about the good, the bad and the ugly of parenting, there have been times when I felt like the kid standing outside the candy shop, nose pressed against the window, wondering where my invitation to the party was. And now there is an actual club they all get to be a part of that I can’t join. I’m so happy for them, and I think the whole Club Mom concept is a pretty cool one. And yet…it sucks to be left behind.

And underneath all of that, of course, is the thought that even if I did have a kid (and I will. I really will someday) that no one would want me to write for their website. That even though I write copy for a living – and pretty successfully too, although there’s a lot more to my job than that – I’ve only mastered writing for other people and will never have a distinctive or interesting voice of my own. That people will never feel the same connection to me and my writing that they feel to other, more successful bloggers.

I’ve been trying to remind myself of my goals when I started blogging, almost two years ago. First and foremost, I thought it would be a good way for my friends and I to feel more connected to each other, since we are scattered around the country. Instead of writing emails, I would post, and they would read and exchange comments and crack jokes and we’d be more in touch from day to day. Well, none of that happened. Half of my friends don’t read on a regular basis, they rarely comment, and a couple of them just plain think doing this is weird. I’m much more likely to get a phone call saying, “So I was reading your blog, and I just had to call.” Which is fine, really. At least we’re in touch, if not quite the way I envisioned. Plus, I’ve met so many new and fun and interesting people through blogging that it has turned into a way to make new friends. And I’m all for that.

My other goal was to do a different type of writing from the writing I do in my job, and to hopefully become a better writer through forcing myself to write on a regular, if not daily basis. And I think I am a stronger writer than I was two years ago.

So you see it’s not that I’m seeking fortune and fame through blogging (although I’d be happy to take fortune). I just want to be good at this. Well, that and to have a baby.

I just got the mail, and in it, finally, is a letter from the oral surgeon explaining why he recommended that I have my tooth pulled with anesthesia. It only took me nine months of phone calls and letters to get them to write this letter. I'm fully aware that my insurance company could still reject the claim, and I'll get stuck with the $200 bill. But the doctor's office dragged their feet over this letter for so long that it became a point of pride that I get it from them. At least now I've got written proof that the anesthesia was necessary. I'll try and savor that for a little while.

My boss subscribes to a bunch of magazines, and she has started passing them along to me when she’s done, which is very cool of her and awesome for me. I mean, who doesn’t love free magazines? I particularly enjoy InStyle for some reason, even though it doesn’t even remotely relate to my life. I’m terrible at fashion, and would never wear most of the clothes you see in the magazine. I don’t care about $6,000 purses or $800 shoes. Seriously, a $6,000 purse? Does it double as a vacation home in Nags Head for two weeks each year? Is it a magic purse? Because otherwise, I don’t get it. It’s a purse. There’s no way it could be worth $6,000. And while I love shoes, you have to draw the line somewhere, and my line is somewhere south of $800. No matter how pretty they are.

Most recently she passed along a copy of InStyle Home Decorating (or something like that). And it has some interesting articles about paint and tips on simple ways to spruce up a room. It also has this feature called “Blowout and Budget” where an interior decorator creates two similar looking spaces for vastly different amounts of money. It was cool to see, but once again, InStyle and I are diverging on the area of cost. Their “Blowout” patio cost over $25,000. Yep, that’s more than I spent on my car for patio furniture. The “Budget” came in somewhere over $3,000. I don’t know about you, but to me, that still seems a little excessive for outdoor furniture. I say people who are on a budget aren’t going to spend $700 on wall sconces or $900 for a console table when they already have an umbrella table and two small tables on their patio. But perhaps that’s just me.