Infertility is weird

Or perhaps it’s just me. I’m willing to admit the possibility that I may be the weirdo here.

Back in March, when the notion that I had diabetes first surfaced, John and I decided that we would take a break from trying to conceive until I lost weight, got my blood sugar under control, and figured out how to handle my new reality. I think it was the right decision to make, and we’re still abiding by it.

In some ways it has been wonderfully freeing. Infertility touches your life in so many ways that someone who has never had to think about being infertile realizes. I don’t worry about my basal body temperature anymore, so if I wake up in the middle of the night and have to pee, I don’t have to squint at the clock and try to figure out whether or not I’ll still have three hours of uninterrupted sleep before I take my temperature in the morning. I’ve been taking Advil and Sudafed with abandon for the excruciating sinus headaches I tend to get in the summer when we have a lot of thunderstorms. When I think about traveling, I don’t have to worry about whether or not John and I will be together when I’m supposed to ovulate. If I wanted to drink, I could (although I’m still figuring out the rules for diabetes and alcohol, so I haven’t been. I’m not much of a drinker now anyway.) I can have caffeine if I feel like it. And sex can be about intimacy and having fun, without any other goals nagging at the back of my mind.

In short, I’ve been able to just enjoy the very good life I have, instead of always yearning for and focusing on our pursuit of pregnancy. It’s been a nice break. I like not having to spend so much time and energy worrying about infertility, wanting to be pregnant, obsessing about timing, and cervical fluid and vitamins and random studies I read about on the Internet. I like being thrilled when other people find out they are pregnant. Although I will say right now that I recently read that Paris Hilton said she wants to have children soon, and if that useless, spoiled rich girl gets to have a baby before I do? I will be bitter. Do you hear me universe? BIT. TER.

And yet…when I’m in my co-worker’s office and see the quiet pride and happiness on his face as he looks at photos someone just emailed him of his baby…when I read a post on someone’s blog where their joy in their child just shines through…as I watch my friends’ (online and off) kids grow and learn and turn into such fascinating little people…the yearning is still there. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family of my own.

This little interlude has shown me that the world won’t end if I never get pregnant. And it has underscored even more how very much I want it to happen.