My friend Jules asked me to babysit her little boy Malcolm tonight. I said I would do it, but I think she could tell I was a little reluctant. I also think she thought I was reluctant because babysitting him on a weeknight is a bit of a hassle, which it is. It’s not so much of a hassle that I wouldn’t do it, though. I love hanging out and taking care of Malcolm. He’s a sweet and smart kid, and a lot of fun.
No, the problem goes way beyond missing my workout and having a long drive and a late night. I’ve been feeling rather fragile about my infertility lately. Just when I think I’m fine and life is rolling along, then wham! I get thrown off balance. The other day I was returning something to Kohl’s (in a fit of temporary insanity, I bought a vest. I’m way too short-waisted to pull off a vest. I don’t know what I was thinking.) and I had to walk through the baby section to get to customer service. As I passed by all those cute little clothes, this overwhelming wave of longing and sadness washed over me. I almost burst into tears right there in the middle of the store. Sometimes it is just so hard to keep waiting and not doing anything but working to lose weight. I want so badly to be taking action, to be getting closer to having a child. At least when we were trying and failing there was a chance each month that I’d get pregnant. Not much of a chance, even when we threw in thousands of dollars of fertility drugs, but I usually had a glimmer of hope. Now I’ve got nothing. Just eating healthy and working out and losing weight at a snail’s pace and being patient. I hate being patient. We’ve already tried to conceive for more than three years, and I wanted to have a child even before that. Isn’t that enough? When will my turn come?
Anyway, because I’m feeling touchy about the infertility right now, I wasn’t sure about being so vividly reminded of all that I am missing out on by not having children (for now). But at the same time, I didn’t want to say, I’m sorry, you can’t count on me to help you out because I’m infertile. That would be lame, and it’s not the kind of person I want to be. I want to take joy in my friends’ children and in my nieces and nephews. It’s important to me to be connected to their lives, and I don’t want to lose that to infertility too. So I won’t let it.
I'm really relieved to hear (read?) of someone else having a near-sobfest in the baby section.
Thank you.
I avoid the children's section for that very reason. I don't know what it is, but those little shoes get me everytime. Day by day, I know you'll find the inner strength to keep up the pace of your current plan. Everyday is a challenge, I know. Meanwhile, steer clear of that department in stores, okay?