January 2007 Archives

You suck. Guess how long it took me to get home tonight? Two fucking hours.

You know why? Because it snowed maybe a half an inch. And somehow, hours after rush hour is supposed to be over, traffic was still hideous. No, make that hideous squared. I left the gym at 8:15. I got home at 10:15, starving, cranky and very, very tired. All because people around here freak out when it snows and forget how to drive. It's really not that hard. You just go slower and brake very carefully. Idiots. Of course, there's always some fuckhead in a Hummer whipping around people on the shoulder because they think they are invincible. I've got news for you, Hummer driver. You can still skid and slide into to someone else and cause all sorts of damage, so cut it out.

To end on a positive note, I'd like to heap praise on my wonderful husband, who had food ready for me to eat when I got home, and who taped Veronica Mars for me. And also on my fabulous brother, who took time out of his evening to chat with me so that I wouldn't go postal and start ramming other drivers in an effort to clear the road. He entertained me as I sat, crept forward at five miles an hour, and then sat again. I did promise him that I'd make up some creative insults for the other drivers, but I'm too damn tired. Let's just call them all asshats and leave it at that.

Hello Internet. I’m in search of a new car insurance company, and I want to know which company you use. I’ve had USAA for almost 20 years now, but they’ve decided to screw me, big time, and I’m not going to put up with it. John and I have one car – a six year old Honda Civic. They want to charge me $221 per month for a car that is worth, at most, $10,000. This is the same car that they used to charge me $87 per month to insure. Then John and I each got a speeding ticket, and I had an accident so minor that I didn’t even write about it here. Funny though, every other insurance company I call offers me a rate that is much, much lower. I think that clearly demonstrates that they don’t have to charge me such a high rate to cover their risk. Progressive gave me the lowest quote, but I think I feel the best about GEICO.

My mom has terrified me with dire predictions about how leaving USAA will be a disaster and no other insurance company is as good. Surely there are other good insurance companies out there. Have a company you love? Or one you hate? Please share your story with me.

The symphony was really nice. We got off to a bit of a rocky start because my dad showed up late for dinner, which a) pissed me off, as it always does b) meant I spent the whole time worrying about getting the performance on time and c) meant that we had about five minutes in which to scarf down our dinners. Not the most enjoyable meal I’ve had lately, which is a shame, because it was really good food.

But then, then we got to the Strathmore center. If you live in the DC area and have a chance to go to an event there, I highly recommend it. It’s this new performing arts center that they built in Rockville (they call it North Bethesda, but I’m a native. I know Rockville when I see it.) It’s specifically designed to provide excellent acoustics, and it does. It is this lovely blend of very modern lines, soaring ceilings, walls of windows and light wood with art deco touches mixed in at times. We had amazing seats. My dad was thrilled, although I can’t really take credit for it. I found their online seating diagram confusing because the colors in the key didn’t seem to match the colors of the seats. That all worked out for the best since we ended up at the front of a box that was right at stage level. I didn’t even realize I had bought box seats! And we were so close. If we’d had to storm the stage for some reason, we’d have had no problems at all.

The performance itself was very well done. It was the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra playing pieces that were written to go with Shakespeare plays, so they had actors from the Shakespeare Theater doing readings from the plays in between the music. My dad loved it, and I had a very nice time as well. I think it may be his favorite present that I’ve ever given him.

On Saturday I went to see Catch and Release with my friend Becky. Becky is the perfect movie date. She understands that I like to watch the previews, and doesn’t judge me for it. She doesn’t ask stupid questions or make clever comments during the movie, and if there’s crying to be done, she’s crying right along with me. There wasn’t really much crying in Catch and Release though. It was surprisingly funny for a movie that starts with a funeral. Of course, it had Kevin Smith, and I usually think he’s funny. Except for Dogma. Most of that movie was not funny to me, but maybe you have to be Catholic to get it. Anyway, if you like romantic comedies and movies where everyone ends up with the right person in the end, even if you can kind of guess at how it is all going to work out, than Catch and Release is a nice way to spend a couple of hours. Becky and I give it two thumbs up. Plus, it has the guy who plays Bullock on Deadwood. He does way less swearing, jaw clenching and steely-eyed glaring than usual, and looks surprisingly good with no mustache and modern hair.

What was entertaining about your weekend?

I’ve been busy with work this week, as well as battling a cold which has left me awfully tired each night, and also partially obsessed with infertility, which is just not very interesting to anyone outside my head. I’m still (perhaps perpetually) busy at work, and the occasional wave of exhaustion is still sneaking up on me and catching me unaware in a meeting or while I’m sitting in traffic. I had a visit with my doctor on Monday, which initially just left me feeling even more depressed – why, why can’t doctors ever give you a straightforward answer? Tell me what you think for crying out loud! – but now John and I have taken what the doctor said and carefully crafted our own plan. Two more tries “acoustically” because my hormonal situation has changed since I’ve lost weight and gotten my diabetes under control. If that doesn’t work, we’ll do one IUI with drugs, and if that doesn’t work, then we take the IVF plunge. In the mean time, John will take a fertility supplement, since they say it can’t hurt, and I will take prenatal vitamins, since they say I should.

It is a relief to have a plan, even if it isn’t a plan that I love. Now that we’ve got that sorted out, I feel better, aside from having a stupid cold that is. My office is a plague zone right now. Half the hall had the stomach flu, and everyone else is catching this cold/sinus/chills thing that I can’t quite seem to shake.

Then, on top of all of that, this has been a very busy TV week for me. After a very long drought, suddenly, shows! Shows that I watch all have new episodes. So I had Rome, and Prison Break and Studio 60 and Veronica Mars and Top Chef to watch. Monday night was chock full o’ disappointments as Prison Break is losing me by taking too long to accomplish anything, and Studio 60 is pushing this weird Josh from the West Wing stalks Jordan and calls it romance storyline that I do not like. I love Steven Weber and Ed Asner though. Love them. I think I would watch a show just about the two of them and their adventures in TV exec-hood. Veronica Mars was awesome as always (and she got back together with Logan! Yay! Even though I know it won’t last!) and Top Chef is such a total addiction for me at this point. Too bad next week is the season finale. But, they’ve set up an excellent showdown, and I’m going to have fun rooting for Marcel to win. That’s right, I said Marcel.

Lest you think I spend too much time on television shows and have no culture, I’ll have you know that I’m taking my dad to the symphony tomorrow night, which was his Christmas present. He’s only called me about it three times this week, so I think maybe he is a little excited. That’s actually kind of nice, and I’m glad I came up with a present he likes so much.

So, what’s going on with you, Internet? Did you watch any good TV this week? Got any weekend plans?

On Friday my sister-in-law called to tell us that she’s pregnant. With her third child in just under five years. Poor John didn’t even tell me until today, worried, I guess, that it might trigger some sort of wild Rolo/M&M/pretzel trail mix backslide on my part. A not altogether misplaced fear on his part, but I’m doing ok. Aside from my initially bitter reflexive response, “Of course she is…” I’m even happy for her. I love my niece and nephew, so naturally I’m happy that I have another one on the way. I don’t have a problem with other people having children. I just want some of my own.

Anyway, after a few days of being off kilter, a little less focused than is typical for me, and even more likely to cry than usual, I’ve applied my usual remedies and coping skills, and I’m feeling better.

I bought a whole bunch of books at Borders and I plan on spending plenty of time firmly ensconced in fantasy novels. Infertility is typically not an issue there. The people in those stories generally have problems with dragons or magic or something else equally unlikely to ever be a difficulty for me, so it is a nice escape.

I tend to bake when I’m upset about something, but this weekend, in an effort to stay healthy, I made homemade tomato soup and shepherd’s pie instead. They were both tasty, but baking is more satisfying. Why baking? I have no idea, but it usually works. I also tend to bake when it snows. It snowed today, so I was practically in a frenzy of wanting to bake. Now there’s an image for you -- me, cruising through my kitchen like a shark, randomly attacking the baking soda and vanilla, my hair all sculpted into a fin and splattered with flour. I didn’t bake though. I sealed the windows in my bedroom, hopefully raising the temperature in there out of the sub-artic ranges.

And then finally, as part of my resolution to do more to help others and a part of Beth’s Small Change project, I bought a bunch of toys for Dr. Bear’s closet at Children’s Hospital. Sometimes when I’m feeling crappy, stepping outside myself and doing something nice for someone else is the best thing I can do. The toys didn’t cost me very much money, and I had fun picking them out. I got the sweetest little Classic Pooh bear/musical stuffed animal, a mini Etch-a-sketch, crayons and a coloring book, and a little handheld Tetris game. Hopefully they’ll make some sick kids feel at least slightly better for a little while.

The failing part of trying to conceive. Last night I was so upset I couldn’t even write about it. All I could do was go to the store, buy the ingredients for my own personal recipe for exceedingly unhealthy trail mix (M&M’s, Rolos and pretzels – delish) and devour it while escaping into the world of a book. The only other alternative was sitting on the stairs crying and feeling hopeless, so I’d say junk food and a novel were better. Why the stairs? I have no idea, but that’s where I would have done my crying last night if I hadn’t managed to distract myself.

And then this morning, just getting up was such an effort. Everything was so gloomy and it felt like I was underwater or behind a grey veil. I hate feeling that way. I hate that I was stupid enough to hope that losing 35 pounds and getting my diabetes under control might be enough to solve whatever the problem is. You’d think after all this time, I’d have learned my lesson, but no, I have to be Miss Dumbass Donkey Hopeful and think that maybe I’ll get pregnant on my own. Well, not completely on my own, of course, but without having to resort to doctors and technology.

Instead, that’s exactly what is coming next. I’m going to be 36 in March, and I don’t have time to waste pussyfooting around and moaning about how I don’t want to be infertile. That’s the way it is, and I need to suck it up and accept reality.

I gave myself quite a talking to/pep talk this morning. I knew if I could just get up and get going, I could make it through the veil…this time anyway. I’m pretty resilient, but it gets a little harder not be down and stay down each time we try and fail. Right now I can still convince myself that my time will come. I’m not sure what I’ll do if the day ever comes that I can’t. Maybe it won’t ever come. Or maybe I’ll handle it better than I think I will.

I once had a discussion with one of the more conservative people I know about the fact that there are a couple of states that don’t celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. I think they are Arizona and Colorado, although I’m not sure. Colorado would make sense though, since that’s where she lives. Anyway, her question was, why would white people celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. This notion took me totally by surprise, because it seems so shortsighted.

By forcing Americans to confront the prejudice and inequalities inherent in our society, Martin Luther King Jr. made this country a better place for everyone who lives here. By advancing the cause of civil rights through non-violent means, even as his people had water hoses turned on them and dogs set on them, their churches bombed, their skulls cracked, and sometimes, were murdered outright, he qualifies for hero status in my eyes.

I am thankful that my children will grow up in a country without segregation and lynchings. I am pleased that my country is a place where it is no longer acceptable to be blatantly racist or discriminatory based on the color of someone’s skin. Yes, I know there is still plenty of prejudice and subtle and probably not so subtle discrimination out there. And yes, it is disheartening that we still have to debate topics like race based admissions policies and racial profiling. I know we still have a very long way to go. But think about how much longer the road would be without Martin Luther King Jr. and the work he did.

That’s why I honor his memory.

Yesterday we got breakfast and lunch in from Balducci’s to eat during the video shoot, and everything they sent was delicious. I had a little tiny pastry with strawberry jam for breakfast, and a tasty veggie/whole wheat pita sandwich for lunch, along with fresh fruit, potato salad and some fancy cheese and crackers.

Today, on the other hand, they forgot to send breakfast, so someone from my office had to run out to Panera to grab bagels and cream cheese. And she had to place a last minute order from Chicken Out for lunch. Guess who doesn’t really feature any vegetarian options? That would be Chicken Out. They have chicken Caesar wraps, and barbeque chicken wraps, and Asian chicken wraps, and something that I think was turkey, but they definitely did not have any veggie options. I know this because I wasted a bunch of time doing the awkward “poke the wrap without touching it while trying not to hold up the line” maneuver. I had mashed potatoes and a quarter of a chocolate chip cookie for lunch, which is not exactly healthy.

Stupid Balducci’s. And this isn’t the first time they’ve screwed me either. We had some meetings over the summer and specifically requested a vegetarian sandwich for me, and they sent tuna as the veggie option. I believe that day I had yucky pasta salad and potato chips for lunch. Fancy potato chips, but again, not exactly healthy.

They may have all sorts of wonderful gourmet foods, but I have to say, I’m no fan of their catering practices.

I’m going to write about work today, which I don’t usually do, but I think I can say what I want to say here without breaking any rules. The standard disclaimers apply – I’m not talking about you, everything I say here is my opinion and my feelings and not those of my employer and so on and so on. On to the main event:

One of the things I love best about my job is the fact that it is always changing. I get to apply the same basic skill set to a wide variety of different projects. My team’s mission is to figure out how to do new stuff that the company has never done before. Mostly online, but not exclusively. It’s challenging and interesting and pretty much never gets boring.

A little over a year ago, we were responsible for coordinating the production of a series of videos. That sounds glamorous, but it really isn’t – the topics of those videos are generally only interesting to people in our particular niche. Anyway, we created a lot of schedules, and worried about getting sets constructed, kept people on deadline, and attended to a whole lot of operational details. Oh, and took care of the marketing end of things, of course. And then we moved on to other projects. Well, today I was on the other side of the fence, and I have to tell you, I have a newfound respect for people who work in TV and movies.

This time around, my team was responsible for the creative pieces. We came up with the concept and wrote the script for the video. I was the one editing the script at top speed as we were taping (one of the many things I learned today – how to use a teleprompter – and there is nothing like having a whole crew waiting for you to frantically come up with and type in new copy before they can start rolling tape again to put a little pressure on you). I was the one whose job it was to keep the talent focused and energized and feeling good about what he was doing. I was the one who, when something wasn’t working creatively, had to try to think up an alternate solution. It wasn’t all on me, since luckily, I am part of a team, but it felt like the main responsibility was mine. At one point, I actually stopped the taping (I kind of wish I had yelled cut, but I didn’t) and went up and had a conference with the presenter, talking him through his “motivation” and how I wanted him to cover what he had to cover. I’m not kidding. It felt very director-y! I also have a much better understanding of continuity errors now. Sometimes, you're just so glad that a take went well that when you notice later that the coffee mug has moved over six inches to the left, you decide you can live with it.

Overall, it was an exhausting and tough day. Still, I have to admit I kind of enjoyed it, at least some of the time. I don’t know if that makes me some sort of adrenaline junkie or what. I probably couldn’t hack it every single day, but I’m really glad I got to do it today.

Instead of talking about me, let’s talk about John for just a minute.

He has, perhaps motivated by the success I’ve had over the past nine months, has decided to join me on the getting fit/losing weight wagon. It’s interesting to see him just starting out on the same path I took – figuring out what he can and can’t eat, working hard to change his habits and even harder to resist temptation. So far, he’s made it a week without his beloved soda. He’s been riding our exercise bike a few more minutes each day, and today he added in push-ups and sit-ups. He’s pretty determined so far. He’s even overcome a broken belt on our elderly and somewhat busted up exercycle (duct tape really can fix anything) and kept on going.

Last fall we started going hiking together with Seamus every weekend, and the weather has been so mild we’ve been able to stick with it so far. That has turned into something we’re really enjoying doing together. It’s nice to have some time in the woods where we can pretend we are the only people around. We always seem to get into these great debates on our walks. I guess the woods make us philosophical. And Seamus couldn’t be happier, since tromping through the woods smelling stuff is probably his most favorite activity in the world. Well, after eating and napping and getting belly rubs.

Anyway, John is the king of willpower, so I’m sure he can do this if he really commits to it, which he has. And I have to admit, while I did occasionally reap the benefits of his eating junk food by getting a bite of candy bar or donut, I think I’ll be just a little less bitter now that he’s eating the same stuff as I am. He’s not diabetic (or at least, not that we know of, since he hasn’t had a physical in three years), so he doesn’t have the same restrictions that I do, and he’s a guy so he can eat more than I can anyway. In fact, he'll probably piss me off by losing 20 pounds in six weeks or something. But he is still making some pretty big changes in his life, and I am pleased and proud that he is making the effort. By the end of 2007, we are going to be a stunningly fit and healthy couple.

Where does the time go? Of course, lately I’m so focused on work stuff, fertility stuff and fitness stuff, it’s no wonder that time is flying by. Not that I have any news on the fertility front. I got a Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail the other day, I guess because I shop at Williams Sonoma (which also owns PB) and they think my demographics indicate that I’m likely to have a child. Which, yes, Pottery Barn Kids, I’m trying. Thanks for assuming. Seriously, though, I called my RE’s office on Friday to make my first appointment in just about a year, only to discover that for some reason, they were closed from 11 to 5 that day. I hope that’s not an omen.

As far as my fitness goes, I’ve been stuck at the same weight for weeks now, probably due to all the temptations of holiday treats. That’s behind me, thank goodness, but I really want to get my weight loss jump started again. That means paying extra attention to what I’m eating, and making sure I’m getting plenty of exercise. John has embarked on his own get fit plan, so I’ve been trying to be supportive of his efforts, too.

On the entertainment front, I’m just a little bit top heavy on the post-apocalyptic front, but I do have a couple of recommendations to share. First, the movie Children of Men, which John and I both really liked. It is a good story, well written, well acted, and visually interesting. My movie evaluating skills aren’t quite sophisticated to describe exactly what it is that I liked so much about the way it was filmed, but John says it has to do with the documentary feel, and the continuous shots they used. It is a little depressing and bleak at times, but ultimately hopeful. Plus, it features the Battersea Power Station, complete with flying pig.

I also just finished the book World War Z, which Chris was kind enough to recommend to me recently. It was a fast read, but a very enjoyable one. It tells the story of a Zombie World War as an oral history from many different points of view. It’s very cleverly done, with enough “real” facts woven into the story to make it feel, well, real. Almost plausible. And it isn’t scary, because it is people sharing their recollections, rather than being an action packed narrative. Although there was one section about dogs (naturally) that almost made me cry. Of course, as I was reading the book today, we also had The Stand on in the background because they ran the whole mini-series today on the SciFi channel. So I’m practically on fake humanity-threatening catastrophe overload. I haven’t holed up in the attic with a rifle just yet (the fact that we have neither an attic nor a rifle is only one of the contributing factors there) but I have started wondering if we should at least have a disaster kit. You know, flashlights, batteries, maybe a sleeping bag or two. Do you have stuff on hand like that? Or have I absorbed one cataclysm story too many? Because I can’t help thinking that we are pretty much completely unprepared to deal with any sort of emergency, be it a highly unlikely zombie incursion or something more prosaic, like an ice storm or a hurricane.

Lately, when I look in the mirror, I find myself dwelling on my body’s faults. I look so much better than I did, but my stomach isn’t flat yet. My thighs are still too big. My arms are showing definition, but they aren’t perfect.

Then this morning, John says to me “You are getting sexier and sexier every day.” Not only did that earn him more good husband points than possibly any other statement he’s ever made, and make me feel very, very good about myself, but it also got me to thinking. Why have I gone from being excited about the positives to being focused on the negatives?

It’s interesting to realize that my body image is shifting so quickly. I look and feel so much better than I did at this time last year. It’s not arrogant to say that if it is true, right? I was miserable about the state of my body before I started losing weight and getting fit. When I stop and think about it, of course I’m happy with the way I look now. Yes, I’m still in transition, but what exactly am I expecting here? I could lose another 40 pounds, and I probably still wouldn’t look like one of those Hollywood starlet types. I don’t even really want to look like them. I’d prefer to achieve the healthy athletic look than the skinny sickly look.

So I’ll just be over here concentrating on being happy for what I’ve already accomplished and not getting down on myself about what I still need to do. And I’d like to thank my husband for never making me feel bad about my body in the first place, making me feel so good about it today and finally, opening my eyes to what I was starting to do to myself, for no good reason at all.

When I sat down and started thinking about resolutions for 2007, I couldn’t remember whether or not I made any resolutions last year. Luckily, I have this handy blog which allows me to go back and see what I was thinking this time last year. I did not make any resolutions last year beyond stating that I was getting ready to start treatment at a new fertility clinic, and that I was trying really hard to be hopeful that 2006 would be the year I got pregnant. Well, obviously, that didn’t happen, but the new clinic did discover my diabetes, so at least I’m closer than I was this time last year.

It’s funny – in some ways I’ve changed a lot over the last year, but in others, I’m in almost the exact same place. The diabetes completely changed my life around, of course, so my life has a different focus on exercise and health issues that it didn’t have at the beginning of last year. I’m 35 pounds lighter and way more fit, which is pretty darn cool. I’m still struggling to find the right work/life balance, although I have my good days and my bad days. For the most part, I fit in everything I want to fit in to my life, so I think I’m doing ok overall. In the “exact same place” column, I’m getting ready to head back to the fertility clinic to evaluate where matters stand now that my diabetes is firmly under control. And once again I’m trying to be hopeful that this year is the year I finally get pregnant.

Getting pregnant isn’t really the sort of thing that can be a resolution, though. I can only do so much and then it is pretty much out of my control. So, that aside, here are my 2007 resolutions:

1. Actually have a financial plan. We’re pretty casual about money --probably too casual. This year I will create a budget and stick to it. Build up our savings. Start an IRA, because we really need more than what I’ve got in my 401k. Get more life insurance. Do grownup stuff like write a will.

2. Be neater. I don’t mind clutter all that much, although I do like the house better when it is tidy. It makes John nuts, though, so for his sake, I’m going to try to be better about putting stuff away.

3. Reach out to others more. I tend to keep my head down and get very caught up in my day to day life. I want to make more of an effort to let my friends and family know how important they are to me.

4. Take a writing workshop. I think I could be a better writer. I think a workshop might help.

5. Work on being a better boss to my employees. I’ve benefited mightily from the excellent mentors I’ve had in my career. Now I want to be sure I pass that along to the people who work for me.

6. Do more to help others. Whether it is running the Race for the Cure or other 5Ks, donating money, or finding places to do volunteer work, I could do a whole lot more to help others than I do now.

7. Write in this blog more regularly. I feel better when I update frequently. And I think the more I write, the easier it is to express myself clearly.

8. Worry less about what other people think. I have confidence in myself. Why do I bother worrying about other people?

9. Try more new things – new exercise classes, expand the types of books I read, keep my mind open, learning and growing, instead of settling for the safe and familiar.

10. Lose the rest of the weight I want to lose, and sooner rather than later. Hit my goal and then focus on maintaining.

There they are. I think they are pretty attainable. And I have 12 months to get them all done!

So what resolutions have you made?