February 2007 Archives

For some reason, our TV has started insisting on running closed captions when we hit mute. For a while they were all displaying in Spanish, which was even odder. Now they are in English, but they won't turn off. You can turn them off manually, but then they turn themselves right back on again. Sometimes they show up in different colors, like red or yellow. Usually the words in color really don't have anything to do whatever is on the screen, so it can get kind of surreal. You start wondering if you are part of some sort of They Live scenario with subliminal messages everywhere. No Rowdy Roddy Piper or ridiculously long fight scenes though.

It used to only happen on certain channels. Now it happens on all of them, and during the commercials too. If I wanted to watch the commercials, I wouldn't have muted them in the first place. I blame Comcast. They just bought Adelphia, and I'm sure it is their fault. Yep, this is just the first instance in what will no doubt be a downward spiral in our relationship with the cable company. It's a shame too, because we were perfectly happy with Adelphia.

I would like to make it clear that we aren't idiots who can't work the TV. We've had the TV for almost two years now and this was never a problem before. We've turned the captions off many times, and they keep resetting all on their own. It's annoying. Plus, I have to put extra work in to ignoring the commercials.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just one big collection of quirks. I got a bunch of work done on my car today. $500 later it is starting nicely, running smoothly and braking beautifully. I can't really complain, because I beat the hell out of that car on a regular basis, and it has held up extremely well.

Anyway, one of the new parts I got today was a battery. When they switched the old battery out, my preset radio stations all got erased. Now for some reason, I've always been finicky about having the stations on the radio set in order of their call numbers. That all got thrown off a couple of years ago when WHFS suddenly went from being a formerly great alternative station to a Spanish-language station. Seriously sudden - at 10 am they were playing whatever crappy corporate pseudo progressive rock they had been reduced to playing by that point, and by noon they had fired all the DJs and switched to Spanish programming. I was mighty confused when I got in the car after work that day. But it just so happened that around the same time the AM news station that I listen to from time to time got an FM frequency, so I just switched that one in on the HFS button, even though it meant the numbers didn't not ascend properly.

Still, it always kind of bugged me that the stations weren't programmed in to the radio in the proper order, and today I got my chance. Now my stations are all lined up as they should be. I kept hitting the former DC101 button and getting the FM news station instead, but I didn't even mind, because order has returned to the radio button universe once more.

And really, everyone has some little quirk like that, right?

It snowed here today for most of the day, so we went nowhere and did nothing. It was GREAT! I read the whole paper. I lounged around on the couch and just talked with John. I cleaned the kitchen so that it sparkles. John started teaching me how to play chess. I didn’t completely disgrace myself, but I didn’t win either. Let’s just say that my inability to completely grasp exactly how the knights can move around the board may have led to one or two of my pieces being captured when I thought they were safe.

Me: “Heh, heh. I’ll just slide this piece over here, and then I’ll be two moves away from taking his king.”

John: *slides his knight over and takes my piece*

Me: “Hey! Dammit. I forgot the knight could move that way.” Now repeat that scenario a couple of times, and maybe add in me not realizing I was lined up so that a bishop could take my piece too, and you’ll have an idea of how the game went.

But that’s ok. We’ll keep playing and I’ll get better. And then that husband of mine had better watch out.

P.S. The Oscars are making Pan’s Labyrinth look really good. Have you seen it? Did you like it?

Apparently I should make a public list of stuff I want more often. Look at what my sweet husband bought me:

And not only are they absolutely, perfectly, exactly what I would have chosen for myself - I have a couple of Calphalon pans already that I really like - he also got them on eBay at a discount. They're totally new, but I guess they are last year's model or something. If pans have models. Not that I care, since I love my pretty, pretty pans. And I love saving money. It's the perfect combination!

Thank you for my pans, John.

I had a lovely weekend, and I hope you did too. I'd give you the details, but I'm very busy freaking out about the two - count 'em two - different presentations that I have to give tomorrow. The first one will go fine, I think. So there I'm just dealing with my usual dislike of public speaking, and so after a bout of nerves and maybe a wee bit of panic I'll be ok. But the second...I don't feel as confident. I've had the outline done for days, but I've just written it up, and I'm worried that I'm not communicating what I really want to say. I will have a little time to practice in the morning, but still, "ack" is the major emotion I'm feeling right now. Stupid irrational fear of public speaking. I wish it would go away.

Please, please, please cross your fingers for me!

Does everyone have a list of random things that they might like to own rattling around in their head? It's not stuff you need. It might not even be stuff you will ever actually buy, but there it is, a pile of "wants" taking up space in your brain. Here are a few of mine:

▪ A Volvo station wagon. I've always kind of liked them. Something about their unabashed, almost belligerent boxy-ness appeals to me. "Yeah, I'm a rectangle on wheels. You wanna make something of it?" Lately I've been eyeing them speculatively, although I'm not ready to buy a new car. Still, I wonder if part of the attraction is that Volvo station wagons represent a family car to me. As if by buying one, I'd magically get the family I want. "It's the darnedest thing you ever did see, doc. Years of infertility, but then they bought a Volvo station wagon, and whammo, problem solved." I'll tell you, they'd sure as hell be worth the money if that was the case though.

▪ A Dyson vacuum cleaner. I hate to vacuum. I don't like the noise. I don't like all the work that goes into it. I don't quite know why I want a Dyson. They are brightly colored and pretty and don't use bags (I hate changing the bad most of all), but they are ridiculously expensive. I think they cost at least twice as much as my current vacuum cleaner did. Of course, my current vacuum isn't all that great. It is better than the vacuum it replaced - a busted orange '70's vacuum my mom gave me that mostly served to push dirt around the carpet - but it's no Dyson. And what I hear is that the Dyson is so good at vacuuming, it is worth every penny. Do you suppose it could change the way I look at vacuuming forever?

▪ A set of copper pans. Copper pans look good, and are great for cooking evenly, and are well regarded in the cooking world. Sadly, just like the Dyson, they are also ridiculously expensive. Still, I do hope to slowly assemble a collection of them over the years. I got my start with three little copper pan Christmas tree ornaments my thoughtful husband gave me as a gift for Christmas.

▪ A King size bed. I'm a restless sleeper. John's a restless sleeper. I'd love to a have an enormous king-sized bed so we could sleep restlessly together and not interfere with each other's sleep. I remember my friend Eden's parents had a bed that could sleep five of us when we were in high school. Something that size would work beautifully, although it may have been a custom size. Of course, the five us in that bed were usually drunk or something, so who knows if it is was a big as I remember it being.

▪ A Pottery Barn type couch. I love the big sectional sofas they have, but I can't quite bring myself to spend that much money on something I'm almost guaranteed to spill a drink on immediately after purchase. I did just read an article in the paper today about getting stuff like that cheap or even free through Craig's List and freecycling though, so maybe my day will still come.

▪ New kitchen counters. I love my kitchen. It is bright and sunny and open and has good flooring, but the counters suck. The cabinets are a little boring, but I can live with them. The appliances are ok, although I hate the wire shelves in the refrigerator. But the counters are bland and thin looking and I don't like them.

▪ A pair of diamond stud earrings. I'm not much for jewelry. I have my engagement ring and my wedding band, and that's all the fancy stuff I really need. But a pair of diamond stud earrings would go with just about everything. You can dress them up or down, and they always look nice. And that would be it for my expensive jewelry needs.

There you have it. My shallow, materialistic list. Please tell me that you have a list like that too! Or at least that you aren't judging me for having one.

Isn't that the lamest, most boring title ever? I'm ashamed of myself for being so uncreative. I blame all the cookies I've eaten today. And the cold weather. Can cold make you dumb?

John and I don't get all worked up about celebrating Valentine's Day, but I promised one of my marketing managers that I'd make sugar cookies as a treat. Somehow, most likely because I can't avoid complicating things, that turned into me making up little bags of cookies and candy up for the people on my team. I carefully assembled them and closed them up with little heart twist ties, only to end up stuck at home today after a combined snow/ice storm made it impossible for me to get out of my neighborhood. We didn't get all that much snow - maybe five inches, but then it all got covered with a coating of about two inches of ice. Ok, the weather guy on the news just said that it was sleet, not ice. I'm not sure what the difference is, but apparently we got 5.5 inches of sleet here in Frederick. And they didn't get around to plowing my street until after 6 tonight.

So anyway, instead of taking the leftover cookies in to work, I sat around eating them all day. I guess it is a good thing that I don't work from home every day. Having the kitchen right there is very distracting, although the presence of fresh baked frosted cookies probably made it a little more distracting than usual. My day went something like this - walk Seamus (who doesn't weigh enough to break through the ice/sleet, so he spreads his toes and does this odd beagle-ninja thing. It's hysterical), eat cookie. Have breakfast. Debate whether or not to eat another cookie. Eat cookie. Watch a guy in a Jeep struggle to get up my street, decide I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Log in to work email, and let boss know. Work for a bit. Call in to work weather line and find out we're not opening until 11. Work some more, since I have my doubts I'm going to make it in by 11. Call back to the work line for an update at 10, and learn that they are encouraging all employees to work from home. I have to say, this is a huge step forward for my company. HUGE, and much appreciated by me. Hey, I should eat a cookie to celebrate!

You get the idea. I did chill out on the cookies after that. Plus, there weren't that many left at that point, and I had to give some of them to John. And I had a lot of work to do.

Hope you had a lovely Valentine's day, filled with cookies and love. Or whatever your heart's desire might be.

◦ Memo to the jerk in the ugly brown coat who slammed the door in my face at the post office this morning. You sir, are an asshole. No matter what sort of day you were having, not holding the door for the woman who is right behind you carrying three boxes and two bags full of packages is just rude. And I know you saw me.

◦ Memo to the two cops sitting in the median on 270 with their lights on for no apparent reason. Way to screw up traffic, guys. You added 25 minutes to my commute this morning.

◦ Memo to the guy who held the elevator for me when I got to the office. Thanks for making up for the first two items on this list.

◦ Memo to self: No you can't call into work because you're feeling bitchy as opposed to calling in sick. Damn work ethic.

◦ Memo to everyone: This piece by Anna Quindlen in Newsweek says everything I want to say about the Iraq war and why wanting to bring our troops home is supporting them, only more eloquently and forcefully than it would turn out if I wrote it.

◦ Memo to the food genie: I want nachos and cheese fries with ranch dressing and chocolate cake. And Indian food. Please make that happen.

What memo would you like to send?

While at a party on Saturday, I got to talking to another infertile, and had sort of an epiphany. I don't talk about my infertility all that much. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it. At other times I'm practically incapable of talking about it - the words just won't come. And sometimes, both here and out in the world, I feel like I can't talk about it. That if I bring it up one time too many, the reaction I'll get will be "Are you still carping about infertility? Could you just get pregnant or shut the hell up already?"

But for some reason, while talking to this woman who I don't even know very well, the words just started bubbling up out of me. Maybe it was because I knew she knew all the little nuances and crappiness of infertility. My story is frustrating, but hers is awful. Maybe it was because she's a pretty open and easy to talk to kind of person. Or maybe I had hit a point where not talking wasn't an option any more. Whatever the reason, it felt so good to open up and share, even a little way, my hopes and doubts and frustrations and the 15 conflicting emotions I have at any given moment. I didn't even realize I had been holding all that in, until I felt the weight lift. I was practically giddy on the drive home. Of course, I did have a nice time at the party too, so I'm sure that contributed. But it showed me just how much I've been keeping bottled up, and how much better I could feel if I change what I'm doing. So, I think I probably will reach out and talk about my infertility more now. Hopefully it won't get to the level of carping.

It has been unrelentingly, brutally cold here lately. Single digit temperatures, wind chills down to or below zero, pathetic "highs" in the 20's. It's the kind of cold that seeps in to your bones and will not go away. Pretty much the only time I've felt warm for the last two weeks has been when I was in the shower or tucked into my bed with flannel sheets and two comforters. I don't know how you people who live in places like Minnesota and North Dakota do it. I don't even want to leave my house. Going anywhere or making extra stops once I am out is incredibly unappealing, because it is so damn cold.

Right now I'm sitting on my couch, under a blanket, wearing two pairs of socks and two shirts, and I'm still kind of cold. If it doesn't warm up soon, I may be forced to hole up in a cave somewhere to wait for the return of more reasonable temperatures.

This morning I had a meeting in Crystal City at 8:30 am. That's approximately 55 miles from my house. 55 of the most traffic clogged miles in this area, might I add. That meant that I had to be out of the house by 6:30 am. As I may have mentioned a time or two, I am not exactly a morning person. In an effort to be on time, I got everything ready last night, packing up my various work materials and my laptop and even picking out my clothes. John agreed to walk Seamus for me, and even cleared all the snow off my car, which was very sweet and very helpful. He's an excellent husband.

I don't normally drink coffee (I just don't like it) and I generally don't have much caffeine, but this morning I thought I might need a little boost, so I volunteered to pick up Starbucks on the way to my boss's house (we went to the meeting together and her house was on the way). I almost never go to Starbucks, but I have five different gift cards that people gave me for Christmas, so I thought might as well use one of them. Well, the parking lot where the Starbucks is was very snowy so I thought I'd use the drive through. For once there wasn't a huge line, but I guess there aren't that many people out and about on cold, snowy winter mornings at 6:30 am. Ok, by that point it was more like 6:40. I drove up to the window, pleased that I didn't have to wait, and proud of myself for remembering what my boss wanted (Grande Skim White Chocolate Mocha, no whip) only to find myself dealing with a slightly startled barista. "It's cool," she said, "since there's no one else around this morning. But you're really supposed to order through the intercom at the box with the menu." Whoops! Like I said, I'm not a morning person. Or a Starbucks person. Still, I did grow up in the 20th century, and I've ordered from many a drive through in my life. You'd think I would have mastered it by now.

Last Friday my mom sent me a bunch of cookie and cake recipes from my childhood. Naturally, this meant that I had to bake some of the cookies over the weekend. I made Honey Cookies, which are kind of like a spicy sugar cookie with a more mellow undertone. You roll them out and shape them, and the frost them with a buttercream frosting that is thinned down to be more of a glaze. They are delicious. I also made Crunchy Jumbles, which are kind of like chocolate chip cookies, only they have chocolate chips and rice krispies and raisins. They are awesome.

I was delighted to have a cookie flashback, but in an effort to keep from eating all of the cookies, I brought most of them into work. As I made my way down the hall offering them to my colleagues, I noticed a couple of interesting cookie trends. First, almost everyone went for the Crunchy Jumbles over the Honey Cookies, which really surprised me. The Honey Cookies are so cute, and the Crunchy Jumbles are kind of jumbly. They are equally delicious though. Second, while women hem and haw and say "Oh, I really shouldn't" before taking a cookie, men get straight to the point. I could barely get the sentence "Would you like a cookie?" out before getting a resounding yes. They didn't care what kind of cookies I had in my Tupperware boxes, they just knew they wanted at least one. They were more than happy to listen to my little cookie description, but they were planning on accepting a cookie no matter what. Only one guy turned me down, and that was because he'd had devil dogs for breakfast. I think in the future, I will try to react to any cookies that are offered to me in a manly fashion. No guilt, no hesitation, just "yes, cookie please!"

Do you think I could get some sort of research grant to study the difference in gender reactions to freshly baked cookies? It could provide valuable insight into the way men and women make choices in life. Plus, it would be some of the most delicious and enjoyable research ever conducted.

I am a punk ass. I was supposed to run a 5k this morning with my friend Becky and her running partner. It's called the Penguin Pacer, and I guess the idea is that it makes it more of a challenge to run outside when it is really cold. I hadn't given it much thought because I always run inside, and also perhaps because I'm not that bright. But it doesn't usually get all that cold here, and I think it was 60 degrees out when I signed up to do the race. Becky pointed out the other day that I really would need a hat and gloves. Hats and curly hair don't mix, so the only one I own is the Smoky the Bear hat left over from my park ranger days. Anyway, I went out yesterday and bought a runner's hat with ear flaps, and these gloves that were supposed to keep my hands really warm, plus two high-tech shirts that are warm but also "wick away sweat" to keep me from getting chilled.

I got up at 5:45 this morning, and it was so cold I put on both of the shirts, plus two fleece jackets, two pairs of socks, two pairs of pants, the gloves, the hat, put my hood up, and took Seamus out for his walk. It always amuses me how excited he gets when we go for our walk early. It's like all of his dreams have come true. Well, I was miserable the whole time. My face was freezing. My hands and teeth got so cold they hurt (so much for those fancy gloves, which I discovered have magnets to hold them together. Why?) and all I could think about was how I did not want to drive to Columbia and run this race. The only part of me that wanted to go was the part that felt guilty about bailing. Maybe also the part that felt like a loser after insisting to everyone that I wouldn't be too cold.

Guess what? I was wrong. 18 degrees with a wind chill of 9 is too cold for me. It's just not a challenge I want to conquer. So I stayed home. I feel bad, although Becky didn't seem mad about it. She even offered to pick up my t-shirt for me, but obviously I don't deserve the t-shirt. Today, I truly am a bad, bad penguin.

I had lunch with my mom today. She’s going to be 65 in March, and she asked me to help her sort through the mass of information she’s gotten about Medicare, and Medicare supplemental plans, and Medicare subscription plans. First off, I had no idea how complicated all this crap is. Regular Medicare, called Part A, only covers hospitalizations, and it only covers 80% of the costs of what they allow for hospitalizations. Part B, which you have to pay extra for, covers 80% of the cost of your doctor’s visits, and some of the costs that Part A won’t cover. There are at least 11 different Part B plans, which have a variety of different options. You’d be amazed at how much detail they go into about what they will and will not cover. They are all pretty expensive. Oh, and they don’t include prescription drugs. The prescription drug plans are yet another additional cost.

Suddenly I find myself believing in universal healthcare even more firmly than I did before. There’s no reason why healthcare should be so complicated, and yet so inadequate at the same time. But all that aside, what I’m really not ready for is my mom getting older. Talking through the various insurance options and ways that she could get sick over the course of the rest her life that she might want to have covered was just plain unnerving. Listening to her worry about where her money is going to come from when she retires brings up all sorts of potential problems that I am not interested in facing right now. I don’t want my parents to get sick. I don’t even want to think about my parents getting sick. And then there’s the notion that someday they could be dependent on me. I’m not even completely used to being dependent on me yet, and besides that’s not where they are supposed to fit in the hierarchy of our lives. Plus, my parents are just plain difficult people sometimes, so whatever we encounter as they get older, I can guarantee they won’t make it easy. John’s parents can be, well, individuals, so I’m sure they won’t be a picnic either. In fact, they are older then my parents, so we may well get to go through all of this with them first.

So, of course John and I are willing to take in any and all of our parents if the time comes where that is the right thing to do. Sure, we make jokes about stashing them in shed. Or about how we’ll move to a bigger place where they can have their own little apartment over the garage, but we’ll put in one of those invisible fences that shocks them if they try to wander over to our place. Bzzt…ow! No really, we wouldn’t do that. We kid because we love. And maybe just a little so we can put off acknowledging that we can’t stop our parents from getting older, and at some point, getting sick and dying.

Nope, I’m definitely not ready for this yet.