Light Bulb Moment

While at a party on Saturday, I got to talking to another infertile, and had sort of an epiphany. I don't talk about my infertility all that much. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it. At other times I'm practically incapable of talking about it - the words just won't come. And sometimes, both here and out in the world, I feel like I can't talk about it. That if I bring it up one time too many, the reaction I'll get will be "Are you still carping about infertility? Could you just get pregnant or shut the hell up already?"

But for some reason, while talking to this woman who I don't even know very well, the words just started bubbling up out of me. Maybe it was because I knew she knew all the little nuances and crappiness of infertility. My story is frustrating, but hers is awful. Maybe it was because she's a pretty open and easy to talk to kind of person. Or maybe I had hit a point where not talking wasn't an option any more. Whatever the reason, it felt so good to open up and share, even a little way, my hopes and doubts and frustrations and the 15 conflicting emotions I have at any given moment. I didn't even realize I had been holding all that in, until I felt the weight lift. I was practically giddy on the drive home. Of course, I did have a nice time at the party too, so I'm sure that contributed. But it showed me just how much I've been keeping bottled up, and how much better I could feel if I change what I'm doing. So, I think I probably will reach out and talk about my infertility more now. Hopefully it won't get to the level of carping.