There and back again

I guess I haven't written in a while. I just haven't had anything to say about anything. If you looked up apathetic and unenthusiastic in the dictionary, my photo would have been right there, with a glum expression on my face.

On Monday, I finally admitted to myself that I've been exhibiting some classic signs of depression - negativity (did you know that I'm a stupid, fat, worthless infertile diabetic with bad hair who can't do anything right?), inability to focus, lack of organization, weight gain (four pounds. When my brother gets depressed, he can lose 15 pounds in two weeks. We have the same genes, dammit.), irritability, near constant exhaustion, and an overwhelming desire to never get out of bed again. I got up every day and went about my business, but it was a struggle every single morning.

Now, I've been here before, and I know what to do, so once the light bulb went off and I heard that little ding! noise that accompanies the light bulb, I realized I needed a plan. The only way to get back on track is to take control and make changes. So I made a list. And then I cleaned up my desk at work. And then I made another list. And then I made myself go to the gym. I cannot recommend exercise enough for anyone who is teetering on the edge of depression.

Then Wednesday rolled around, and the universe smacked me on the side of the head and told me to be grateful for all that is good in my life. My company had layoffs round 2. I was NOT laid off. Back when we had the first round of layoffs in November, I was sure that there would be a second round, that it would come in March, and that I would be included in it. Luckily, I was wrong about that third bit. Interestingly, even though I spent the last few months convinced I was going to lose my job in March, recently I had decided that I had been wrong and there would be no more layoffs. I was shocked on Wednesday. Totally taken by surprise.

I'm in the midst of a transition from one team to another, and my old team was hit particularly hard. Of course, I'm sad for all of the people who lost their jobs, not just the ones I worked with directly. It's terrible anytime someone gets laid off, but particularly now. The unemployment situation isn't as bad in the DC area, but everyone knows this is a difficult time to be looking for work. They were all good people, and I hope they find new jobs quickly.

As for the depression, I know it won't go away just because I want it to. At the same time, now that I've noticed the pattern I was falling into, I can work to change it. And you know, at least I'm still employed. Because I could have ended up with something to get really depressed about.